averageness

I forgot about the ups and the downs of holiday seasons.

The ecstacy of being done with exams lasted only until I was wounded by the memory that there are consequences for all actions (and inadequate actions). For me these consequences will come in the form of one of five stigmatic letters of the english alphabet. Possibly these consequences will also come in the form of added numbers to my total body mass....I always hated numbers anyway.

Dealing with family is also an adventure. When you have three people in your family, there are three relationship dynamics to keep balanced and healthy. When you have six people in your immediate family, that number jumps to 15 (i think...like i said, i hate numbers). Plus, there is nothing like spending two weeks with a supermodel-like younger sister to remind you of all the ways you wish you were different.

Dealing with my imperfection in law school is helping me cope with all my underachievings and flaws. Since I can remember, all my actions have been motivated by the fear of being average in any one thing. Last semester for the first time ever, I took an extended vacation from this fear. I stopped caring. I essentially gave up on the struggle to achieve, the battle for perfection, the mental fight to better myself academically that has governed me for the past eight years. It was immensly freeing, but at the same time, it was just not me.

I snapped out of it feeling disappointed and let down. I initially went into the semester with goals and energy and a drive with the kick of a turbo eninge ;) . I came out having only megerly "gotten by". I think being ok with this was the most disappointing thing. But I think I came out a more real person. I still have the audacity to dream and make new future goals. I still look forward to powering through the rest of the schoolyear. But once you give yourself your first personal "black mark" in something, you no longer fear your distance from the epicenter of perfection. Once are stung by internal failure, you learn to cope with the possibility of a future full of "average".